The holidays can be hard...

As wonderful and full of joy as the holidays *can* be, sometimes, too, they are so very hard. Everything about the holidays seems to be magnified. For me, the hardest part is missing those I love the most - my grand mother and my father - especially during this beautiful time that is about Christ's birth and family and love.

Considering what I do for a living, it could be considered strange that I never scrapbooked about my losses. It's not that I never scrapbooked difficult things or things that weren't "perfect" like my son's speech delay or small hole in his heart, but the loss of those I loved so much were just too painful, too raw, to put down on paper even years later. Perhaps I thought I couldn't do it justice or that writing it down would just be too traumatic for me. In any case, it never got done.

But as fate would have it, a sweet friend of mine, Suzy, somehow knew that precisely that would be exactly what I would need and so she contacted me for then-upcoming article (January 2011 Creating Keepsakes) about dealing with loss through scrapbooking. I can't tell you how many times I told her at first "No, no, no, no, NO! I just don't think that I could do that, Suzy!" All said in my very best whine. And then her patient response back, "Oh yes, you can. You need to. And you will."

I can't tell you how much I thank her for that. Because it turns out that writing that layout (and for me it was much much more about the writing than the design process) was one of the most cathartic, healing things I've ever done. Because for that layout? For that layout, I finally got true with myself and with my feelings towards my dad's death. I allowed myself right then, for this one page, to be honest and selfish and whatever else came to mind in that moment. I allowed myself to *be* in that moment. And now, I have a page I cherish - one that is not only about my pain, but about the great love I had (and have) for my father.

For Just One Day
As seen in the January, 2011 issue of Creating Keepsakes magazine. Copyright Creative Crafts Group. Posted with prior permission from the publisher.

Source List: Bazzill Cardstock; BasicGrey paper, lace die-cut paper, alpha stickers; BoBunny papers; Dusty Attic chipboard accent; Heidi Swapp (Advantus) chipboard alphas and paint; Sizzix die-cut; Making Memories papers, flower paper clip; Hero Arts rhinestones; Fiskars scallop border punch; Uni-ball pen; Pentel pen

The journaling reads:

I tell myself all the time that I miss you the most for the boys, for what they never knew of you. But if I’m truly honest with myself, I can be selfish and say I miss you the most for me. Because I know what I’m missing. I know all I’ve lost. I sit here and look at photos of you and I can almost hear your voice speaking to me, feel your arms around me - “almost,” but not quite. It’s been ten years already, Daddy, and it’s passed in the blink of an eye yet gone so slowly all at the same time. So much has happened yet things are strangely the same. There’s been a scab put over the raw wound that I was left with when you died, but the scab is still there and the hurt just sits below the surface, threatening to erupt at any given moment…like right now as I try and say these words. It’s the little things I miss the most, things like how you would fuss at me and Cracker Jack when we got to wrestling and being silly, how you always knew when I needed you. Always. You were my rock, my constant, my Daddy….and what I wouldn’t give for just one more day with you. No matter how much time passes, I love you always, Kelly

Thank you again, Suzy. And happy holidays to all of you!

Remember - there's still time to get in on the PageMaps/Scrapbook & Cards today calendar giveaway. Enter here!
xoxo,
k.